Normally I run the entire show for my T5s, taking in suggestions and going through it myself. This time, however, called for an expert in the matter, someone far better than myself. Enter my friend, Chris “Toph” Puglia. Mr. Toph has towers of DVDs taller than him filled with movies of very questionable caliber, which I have criticized him for in the past. A week ago I called on him to give me his kingly advice on this from the throne he has now made with his movies. Without further ado: I give you Toph (Big warning: this article is heavily laden with profanity and one borderline use of a racial slur):
When Jesus asked me to do a guest blog entry on my Top 5 Guilty Pleasure Movies, I was excited. Declaring me the “King of Guilty Pleasure Movies”, I wasn’t sure whether to be honored or offended. I’ll freely admit that I like a lot of movies most people would consider BAD. I like to think that it’s because I can see the good in movies while ignoring the bad. Or I just have horrible taste in movies, I’m not sure which.
First I set out to define what a guilty pleasure movie was exactly. A few Google searches later and I settled upon a few basic guidelines:
1) A movie you will watch over and over again, even though you’ve seen it countless times before
2) A movie you know is bad/has no redeemable value, yet you cannot help defend it
3) A movie you are embarrassed to admit you own/love
While I think these are solid definitions, I do take issue with number three. While I recognize that not everyone will own up to the shitty movies they like (hence the very concept of a guilty pleasure movie), I will stand behind mine. I feel no regret towards every movie I vouch for. So for this list I will focus on the first two points.
Without any more delay, my Top 5 Guilty Pleasure Movies:
“Are you freebasing, Michael? Inquiring minds want to know.”
Look at those motherfuckers. LOOK AT THEM! Those are some bad-asses(Well, as bad-ass as someone from the 80s can look). That is what a vampire should look like. The very first thing we see Kiefer Sutherland and crew do is KILL SOMEONE. Lets see those sparkly “vampire” fucks murder someone for the fun of it. Ok, enough ranting about the superiority of 80s B-movies over popular girl’s fiction.
The Lost Boys not only is a great vampire movie, but it’s a great example of 80’s culture. It oozes the 80’s out of its very pores. Fuck, this movie is the start of “The Two Coreys”, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. And look at what a blight on Hollywood those two turned out to be. Oh wait, I’m supposed to be hyping this movie up. And before I forget, that asshole on the far right is in fact Bill from Bill and Ted.
The best part of this movie is its constant skirting of the border between serious and parody. It’s like in Training Day when you’re trying to figure out if Denzel is just a hard-ass cop, or actually corrupt. You don’t know if they’re just fucking around, or trying to trying explore the possibilities of the juxtaposition of classic vampire lore on the popular culture of the 1980s.
I’ll leave it up to you to decide:
“He’s gonna rue the day he came up against The Extreme, baby. Bill, I’m talkin’ imminent rue-age.”
This slot could have been filled by a number of 90s disaster movies I watched while growing up. In fact Twister barely edged out Volcano (1997). What eventually won this movie it’s spot was the cast, complete with Academy Award winning actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing one of the skeeviest motherfuckers I’ve seen in cinema.
Amidst the backdrop of the destruction of countless farms across the heartland, you get the forced rekindling of love between Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton. You also get a nice cast of C-listers and “that guy”s rounding out our lovable storm-chasers. We also can’t forget Cary Elwes as the bad guy, who pulls off a very laughable southern accent.
But wait, there’s more! Act today, and you’ll get TWO new original songs from Van Halen. Don’t forget to ask about our state-of-the-art 90s CG destruction effects. And if you call within the next 20 minutes, we’ll send you TWO copies of Over-Acting with Bill Paxton. Order now.
“Spandex: it’s a privilege, not a right.”
Hackers is sort of a blend of the first two movies on this list. You get an extremely entertaining (if not over the top) cast of characters, swimming in the cesspool that was 90s pop-culture. It’s all style-over-substance here, but the style is SO outrageous you don’t give a shit. While real life hacking involves hours of writing and testing code, we’re treated to VR simulations of flying through neon-colored towers of files and servers. These motherfuckers make that bitch from CSI: NY look like Linus Torvalds.
Johnny Lee Miller is our super-genius protagonist, pining after Angelina Jolie while struggling to not let his Scottish accent slip out. Mathew Lillard is without a doubt the most outrageous character in a movie entirely populated by outrageous characters (see above image). Fisher “The Plague” Stevens rounds everything out as a villain who is way too full of himself. Throw in a plot about framing innocent hackers for corporate theft, and we got ourselves a movie.
A high point here is the amazing soundtrack. True to it’s 90s styling, we’re treated to some of the best electronica music from the era. In between the improperly used techno-babble comes songs from The Prodigy, Orbital, Massive Attack, and Underworld. It is truly the cherry on top of the cheese sundae that his Hackers.
Now, excuse me while I hack the Gibson:
“I guess we found out his weakness: bullets.”
Yes. That’s an actual, honest, not-meant-to-be-taken-as-a-joke, line from the movie. But really, did you expect anything better from LL Cool J? I didn’t, and that’s why I like this movie. If you go into it expecting a who-dunnit starring a group of questionable C-list actors, then you’ll be fine. If you’re expecting Schindler’s List, you’re a retard.
Mindhunters is about as formulaic as they come. It’s the tried and true pattern started by Agatha Christie’s book Ten Little Niggers (I shit you not, look it up). A group of people go to an isolated location and start dropping dead one by one. What sets Mindhunters apart is the super-elaborate and over-the-top death traps. Both Jigsaw and The Joker would give the killer props for the BS pulled in this movie. This shit would never work, but this movie still lets us play out fantasies like “What if you froze someone with compressed gas and then shattered their frozen corpse?”
It’s also got Johnny Lee Miller.
“Peace through superior firepower”
Point Break is the ultimate guilty pleasure movie. It’s so bad, that when AMC shows it on TV even THEY make fun of it. During a commercial for one of their MANY showings they flashed on the screen “With a plot like this, who needs acting?” I don’t.
Although I briefly considered putting one of its copycats (The Fast and the Furious) in its place, I decided nothing beats the original. As bad as Paul Walker is, he is not “an F, B, I, AGENT!” Only an actor of Keanu Reeves’ caliber can deliver a line like that.
Seriously, I’m probably preaching to the choir here. Point Break is so bad it went past “ironically good”, spun all the way around the dial, and then landed back on “hilariously bad”. You can’t help but love it. When I was pouring one out for Mr. Swayze, this was the first movie I watched
Vaya con Dios.