Top Fives Racial Stereotypes by Special Guest Kali Baker-Johnson

I’ll admit that when I came up with the idea for this Top Five, I thought this was going to piss off people. But then I remembered that there are enough people who loved Dave Chappelle and South Park to know how to take a joke, and went with it anyway. To my luck, I also have someone who is willing to take the hit and get all the hate e-mail (actually, I’ll still get them, but at least I know I wasn’t the one that they’re meant for). without further ado, here is my friend, Kali Baker-Johnson who is a part of the A Room Full of Monkeys blog . Big warning: this post has lots of profanity and, of course, racial slurs:

So how do you do the top 5 of something that most people would agree is a bad thing? The answer, you do it like the nigger you are.

Ahem. I meant: With tact.

What follows is a list of the racial stereotypes which I find the most entertaining, whether they’re thought-provoking, nonsensical, irrelevant or ridiculous. And quite honestly the ones that are emblematic of the socio- economic intricacies of American culture won’t really be on here. They’re not as fun.

Top Five Racial Stereotypes

5. Asians can fly.

Don’t lie. You saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and you wondered for a second. Yeah. You did. But, no. Asians can’t fly.

BUT HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE IF THEY COULD!!!!!???!!!!!!

It’s surprised me how many times in my life I’ve heard this stereotype. I’ve heard stories about people seriously wondering, but no one I’ve seen has. Why do Asians get all the positive stereotypes anyway? Good at math, disciplined, successful, deadly and untraceable in the dark, AND they can fly? The fuck? I guess they need all that to make up for their little ass dicks. Ba-Zing!

4. Jews have big noses.
BarbraStreisandPicture.jpg

It’s all her fault.

Has there ever been a more irrelevant stereotype? Seriously? Even if it was true, which in my experience it absolutely isn’t, how could it possibly matter? There are so few fields where that kind of prejudgment would even be applicable. Was it just a bunch of pissed opticians in Brooklyn one day sitting in a room one day like, “I don’t know about youse guys, but I keep havin’ to order custom glasses for all these Christ-killers and they’re schnozes. Capice? How ya doin?” (Because in my head Brooklyn has only ever been populated by Jews and fat obnoxious Italians. And Biggie Smalls.)

And although the Jews-have-horns stereotype is certainly laughable, it’s far too mean-spirited to be included in a Top 5. But clearly, the Jews have quite the collection of ridiculous stereotypes about them. It’s cool though, they can afford them. Ha. See what I did there.

3. Mexicans pack into cars way past capacity.

Graphic representation of Mexicans in a Prius. Bozo is actually Spanish for Lawrence.

How dare we attack our southern neighbors for their environmental conscientiousness! Mexicans have clearly been at the forefront of the green movement way before Al Gore or any of these other fad chasing celebrities. They realize more than anyone that fossil fuels are a precious commodity that must be preserved, and carpooling is a simple and unobstructed way to conserve energy. Yeah.

Or those wetbacks could just be small as shit. (I don’t know how Jesus is gonna feel about that one. Whatever, he’s Peruvian. I’m not talking about him.)

2. Blacks love watermelon.


In war there are always those moments where it becomes abundantly clear what you’re fighting for.

BITCH, like you don’t! That shit is delicious.

But seriously, where did this stereotype even come from? It’s not necessarily irrelevant but I have never been able to figure out the origin of the stereotype. A quick sweep of the web yields lots of plausible solutions, but no definitive answers. It always bugged me. But it’s still funny and, if I’m any indication, SO true.

1. Whites are idiotic, prejudiced, drug addicts who are poor, have terrible hygiene, have sex with their family members, murder people and smell like wet dog when they get rained on.
hillbilly.jpgIt’s hard too see from here but that phone he’s holding is really a block of cheese.


Let’s face it. White people have perfected racism.

White people are so good at racism that they’ve even been able to separate their crazy, disturbed, and poor relatives into their own distinct cultural group called white trash. And there’s no other ethnic group that is as vile as white trash. They’re inbred, dumb, and worst of all… racist. (See how they did, that? Kudos, white people. You are good.)

If every racial group could do this, there’d be no racial stereotypes at all. There’d just be a huge group of the poor and disenfranchised called “human trash” that hillbillies and hoodrats of any race could be a part of. And wasn’t that Dr. King’s dream, after all?

Judge me not by the color of my skin, but by the number of teeth that I am missing?

-Kali, eugenics… eugenius?

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About jesusgaray

I am a writer and the story designer of Cram Games. I was born in Lima, Peru, but I was raised in Northern New Jersey. As a consequence of that, I have moments where I curse in Spanish profusely.

Posted on April 1, 2010, in Culture, Top Fives and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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